Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts

There was no meteor... It's 2017

My daughter kept saying that she was sure we were going to be hit with a meteor that would end all life before 2016 was over.  The year had been so messed up, and losing Carrie and Debbie Reynolds together to her was a sign of impending doom.  But were still here!

So here we are, alive and pretty much still in a bad mood. The politics are grating. The racial climate is uncomfortable (understatement), and the world seems suddenly unwelcoming. But that's OK.  I'm still here are I have stuff to do.

What to expect from me this year?

1. Rebranding, as evidenced by the change in my blog name.
2. No nonsense- straight talk.  I feel an urgency in my heart that won't let me mince words
3. Completion of projects to clear space to start the new ones waiting for me.

I feel a sense of urgency in my heart that is propelling me forward.

I got stuff to do.

As 2016 draws to a close

As 2016 draws to a close,  I sit here in a proverbial pillar of salt.  While it was an interesting and reasonably good year on a personal level, I am sad and despondent over the state of our nation. As much as I would like to be positive and say that 2017 is going to be a banner year, it is far more likely to become a shit-storm.

That me for me it is a time for introversion and building.

My book will be finished.

I will be working more with homeschoolers and maybe less in the arts... unless those two things combine.

I will make a decision about my Masters degree.. will I get one or not?

I hope I can find some joy this year.. as I have a wonderful family and am well cared for, but what good is my comfort if others are being persecuted?

Goodbye 2016.  I will spend the next few days putting on my armor for the coming years.

Rules of disagreement

A week ago I had the opportunity to sit with a young man and have a meaningful conversation.  I will start by saying that I am glad to not be young in this day and age. The loss of privacy between this generation and mine is astounding. The social media causes one to either be completely antisocial or more visible than they are comfortable with. If I had to deal with that in my early 20's and try to maintain a relationship, I never would have made it.

We talked about how I had a long-distance relationship (with my now husband) throughout college.  He was astounded that we had a phone date once a week where we spoke for an hour. That it all. The bill cost too much for anything more, although we did have an occasional 5 minute quickie conversation, we really only spoke once a week... for 4 years... and saw each other on major holidays.

When we compared this to how the young people's conversations work, with daily and sometimes hourly texting, he asked me to draw a comparison... I could not.  My husband and I don't even communicate like the young people do these days. Keeping track of each others every move and their every mood.  I don't know if our relationship would have survived such a thing.

Finally, he asked me a question that I feel like I could answer... how did we handle arguments and

Tis the season to Give

I'm not going to go into it.

Matthew 6:4-6 says "Give your gifts in private, and your Father, who sees everything, will reward you."

So only a handful people will know the details... the person I had to get permission from to spend above the pre-set amt, the 2 women I tell my secrets to, and my children who notice everything I do... but the short and short of it is I was moody.  I knew someone had a need, and I took care of it.

HELLO CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.

For today anyway.  So that's the answer... think less about me and my moods and my ... depression... and think more about others and the mood will lift.  Good news. Good news.

So if you are one of those people for whom this holiday season brings you more down than up, find someone who is in need and help them... they are not too hard to find.  Just ask a couple of friends, or call a church or something. I know I didn't have to look far.


ps... I hope no one thinks I am bragging... I just really, really want to give advice to help those who get extra moody this time of year.

Til next time.

I seem to have lost my Christmas Spirit

Well.. actually, I've never been real big on Christmas.  I decided it was anticlimactic around the age of 11. My older brother used to wake everyone up at 3am to open gifts when we'd rather be sleeping and then we would go back to bed.  I never felt the warm fuzzies about that exercise...  I preferred the Christmas Mass at the church instead.  That's just me.

So I have been the producer of the Christmas show at the community theatre this year, and while it was fun and Christmassy, it occupied my thoughts in a way that was not very 'holiday'.. more business instead.  So that it over now, and I like 1 week before Christmas... OK... wow!

We have gifts that I need to wrap (put in store bought pre-decorated boxes) and I guess maybe we should start making cookies or something.

I wonder if anyone is having a party.  That might put me in the mood... or at least A mood.

Trying to appreciate here and now

I edited an essay for a college bound student the other day.  I found the essay intriguing because it was quite and artistic way of saying, I tend to procrastinate, but I am working on it. If I were the admissions officer, I would accept them.

The essay started out describing time as the enemy. It pondered through the relativism of time and some philosophy regarding time and how we move through it. Interestingly enough, I have been feeling similar feelings... except more like that time has become a tractor trailer with failing brakes.
My dad was a truck driver, so I am well aware of the struggle the truck has climbing the hill. It seems, slow, arduous, and painful, but it keeps chugging with that "I think I can attitude". As it climbs that hill (of life) it picks up experiences, and skills, and learns little tricks and tips to make the journey successful....

And then it reaches the top.  It puts its proverbial hands on its hips and surveys the surroundings.  It would love to stay at the top of that hill forever, but that's not how it works...  what goes up must come down. The trip down is nothing like the trip up... the weight of the load and just simple gravity causes it to barrell down the hill at breakneck speed that seems nothing like the journey up. It's all one can do to enjoy the ride.

I am pretty certain that it won't be as long as it has been.... and I am no longer uttering the phrase... "I can't wait til (I'm grown, or I'm through this stage, or till I achieve that)"... no, that's not a luxury I have any more. I need to savor each moment... and fortunately, the analogy of the truck is not necessarily true... thank goodness.  The hill down has many plateaus and rest stops and I plan to enjoy all of them.

I wish I had listened to my mother when I was young. She once said, "sure, you want to be grown, but once you reach 21 years old, the rest becomes a blur".  She was right.

So here I am trying to hold on to each moment and finding positive enjoyment in each moment that seems to fly by too quickly... trying to appreciate the here and now.

Looking forward to Christmas break

I'm more excited about the boy's college graduation and the girls 3 weeks at home more than the actual holiday.  If I ever was a scrooge before, I am certainly feeling it now.

I just paid college tuition for the last time... for my daughter... for the school she is in. We are waiting to hear from my son's college re his grad school application, so there's money.... and girl wants grad school eventually, and I'm sure that's gonna cost us something... sooo...

Anyway, I can't wait for my daughter to get home so we can hang out and sew stuff and have inappropriate conversations... cuz that's what we do.  She's just growing up so fast that I find it both depressing and exciting.  She even had her first doctors appointment without me this week... she felt like garbage and did not ask me to drive 2 hours each way to accompany her to the doctor.  If course I had to reimburse her for the copay (yikes) and the prescription (double yikes) but she was well enough for her voice jury today, with her voice being as clear as a bell... just a few days ago she sounded like a sick frog.

I probably shouldn't talk about her so much... one of these days she's gonna come for me... and it aint gonna be pretty.

So signing off for now until I have something proper to complain about.

Nearing 50 and having moments...

So, I changed my blog title.  It was coming for some time.  My youngest homeschooler graduates from college in May and my oldest just applied for Grad school... and while I am still somewhat involved and give advice to homeschoolers (and am almost done with my book), my most passionate posts as of late have been about me and dealing with this world.  Check out my Anger and loathing series and you will see what I mean.

I am constantly having moments. I am short tempered.  It gets real hot at the most inopportune times and my under-boob skin is dry and sensitive.  I've spent my whole life being a "natural beauty" with the exception of some awkward teen years, and now My bathroom is bursting with potions and bottles.  Lord, Help Me!!

So this is where I am at. Enjoy the ride.

I'm trying

Welp.  I am still not happy and don't know when I will be again.

Is that depression?

Is that anger?

Is that denial?

Am I having a hissy fit?

Maybe one, maybe some, maybe all.

I don't know about you all, but I can clearly see how things will go wrong. We are not dealing in reality and it seems most people don't have the the willingness or ability to see it.  I don't mean to insult, as I have friends who actually want the reality we live in, but my sensing leaves me in a foreboding mood.

A friend told me that he doesn't understand how warm and engaging I am in person because it contradicts with my frank, stern nature online.  I think I am a teddy bear all the time, or at least I want to be, but now really isn't a good time to be a teddy bear is it... and he had only known me for a year, so he missed out on a lot.

Anyway I am rambling!

Two college graduations are getting sooner and sooner... so for us, at least homeschooling works. I think a lot more of us will have to consider it, just for the safety of our children.  I believe that sincerely.

Love and caring in the midst (It's GA Gives Day)

Y'all know I'm salty, and sad, and just plain petty these days.  That's ok though, my mood has its justifications, and it's purpose. The fire lit in my soul will go to good use.

In the midst of what I feel like is madness have been beautiful moments though. People being extra kind so as to say, "I see you hurting, but I will stand in the gap".

Last night as I was going to a theatre event at the local Taco Mac, I made it to the door before a man, and hesitated as I always do as I tend to stop and judge the next person's distance to decide if I should hold the door open or if it would be weird (cuz I'm awkward like that).  As I determined he was at 'holdable distance' he spoke up.  "allow me", he said.  As I thanked him and reached for the inner door he said, "and again".  (Sniff... sniff.... so sweet) So I allowed him to grab the second door and thanked him again... and my mood was lifted for the rest of the evening.

Did I mention, or did It even matter that he was a white male?  Nope.
Does it matter that we live in the South, and the chances of him voting for the other guy is probably 70%? Nope.

What mattered is that he showed love and kindness and made my day better.  Yay for that.

Meanwhile, can I ask my readers to show love and kindness today.

It is GA Gives day and I need a little help.  Here's what I wrote on my facebook page.


Please consider donating or sharing.  Thank you!

Deep thoughts

Is Facebook killing the blog?  

Perhaps. I find that I have begun to journal there, but here are two tidbits I have written that I'd like to share:  

Oct 22
I keep waking up with one word on my mind: lenses. 
Our lenses influence how we interpret the world. They are first constructed by our parents and as children our lenses mirror theirs as we think they can do no wrong. Think of these as the eyes you are born with. Then our friends and teachers start to add adjustments to help us see things differently or more clearly. Think of these as your first pair of corrective glasses. At some point many of us decide our parents are completely crazy or that we trust others more than them, and we over correct our lenses , likely to spite them. Have you ever tried on someone else's glasses? Leaves things out of focus, doesn't it? By the time we mature we've shed a lot of the eyeglasses that we have put on over the years.. sometimes we have a lot of glasses to shed. We might have piled on numerous pairs too. Right on top of each other. Including sunglasses to help shade us and rose-colored glasses to protect our hearts. We eventually replace these multiple pairs of glasses with contact lenses crafted from the multitude of all of the adjustments we have made over the years and install them over the eyes of our parents viewpoint. Some of these contact lenses are thick and heavy, sometimes they are thin and light. But at this point the transformation is pretty much complete. 
Life events and circumstances may still make us put in some eyeglasses temporarily as we learn and experience things, but we either take those back off, or get our contact prescription corrected to integrate our new glasses. 
Then we go through life facing situation and events based on our own journeys through our custom made lenses. This is why we butt heads. So the next time you're in an argument or disagreement remember it took a lot to shape their point of view. They're not nuts or bad people... mostly. They've had different experiences. 
That's what I think.

Nov 3

I find that I navigate a world that isn't necessarily for me. I'm rarely conscious of it most of the time. Many would argue with that assertion, but I walk through the world, a world that is largely devoid of people who look like me, and I forget that I am the "one of these things that don't belong here". 
But then people remind me. A black person might say, "why do you belong to that organization, when there is one specifically for us". A non black person might make a joke about my food choices, or my hair, or me "taking off my earrings to fight someone" that makes me ask myself the same question. It's akin to someone tapping me on the shoulder and saying "you know you're black right?... just saying". 
That's kind of how I walk through this world, just being me, pretty happy to be surrounded by all the hues, and cultures and nuances, and then someone says... Hey, you're different, or, even worse, you look different, but you're special because you act like one of us. 
These micro aggressions (so glad there's a word for it now) do get under my skin and make me sad. Sad to the point of anger and depression. 
I would love to live in a world where race is nothing but a social construct and does not exist, but others don't let me. So I have embraced it as of late and folded it into my previously oblivious being and learned to deal with it. How can I pretend race is not real when people are always calling it out. Do I look at them and say "race is a social construct, so I have decided to reject it?" (actually that might be fun)... But pretending it does not exist, does not help me when my kid comes home and tells me they "played slave today" ...in a school program on purpose.. Or some kid in my daughters class asks her "do your parents beat you because you are black" and then refuse to believe her when she says no... Oh, and how about when you hear her friends (non black friends) joking that your daughter is "A STRONG BLACK WOMAN WHO DON'T NEED NO MAN".. hand snaps included. 
I know these things aren't meant to cause harm and are said out of jest or curiosity, and I don't want people to clam up and not talk at all, because people are awkward and say stupid things.... I know I do. But you can't tell me I have to ignore the fact that I am black, and all that entails when YOU won't. 
That is all. 
This is not personal... just one of those days when my existence weighs heavily on my heart.

Anger and Loathing... at the thrift store.

Update: Sept 2016.  Better. The main person that seemed to be sending employees over to specifically police me is gone. The still do things like act like the customer being there is keeping them from getting their jobs done... but the harassment has waned.

I left a yelp review today.  Not something I do very often.  It is for:
134 S Clayton St
Lawrenceville, GA 30046
Here it is.  They really made me lose my cool this weekend.  They suck. 
I shop here regularly because I make costumes for a not-for-profit. I usually donate the costumes I create. This store gives me the best bang for my buck, and I tend to find interesting pieces. However, the staff makes me not want to come back. 

I feel like they see customers as a hinderance to doing their job. They are busy forcing as many items onto the rack as possible and if you are flipping through a rack, they will just push by you and close the little opening you have made to look... sometimes catching your fingers.   They might say excuse me, but it is after they have pushed your cart into your stomach. They are rude and downright mean. 

The final straw was this past Sunday. I had been shopping for an hour and had grown tired. I'd heard them announce many times to not put hangers on the floor, and to take the items off of hangers before coming to the cashier... I know the drill, I have been there many times.  I found a quiet corner where I could do this job of separating the clothes from the hanger and I was berated in a hostile way.  They

Living life in Limbo

I tend to be very quiet when I don't have control of my life... and I don't have control.

It looks like our NYC experiment is almost over.  The timing is wrong to continue... but it all hinges on someone else deciding to hire hubby and him accepting.  We've been in this limbo for a couple of weeks.

After apartment hunting and getting rejected for some sketchy reasons (a conversation for later), I found a nice place to move to, but it is on hold until the decision is cemented.

As I emotionally separate from NYC, I also begin to realize that there are a lot of things I don't like... that are quite troubling indeed... also another conversation.

In the meanwhile, my kids are pretty much all grown up, and repopulating the nest.  It dawns on my that big son won't be leaving for college in the fall... and as he re-arranges and cleans the basement, the realization that he will be around for a couple of years sets in.

The little woman is also planning to take over a second bedroom when she's done so as not to completely trash the one she has.

Hubby is cool with all of this.  He adores his kids and loves having them near.  Don't get me wrong.  I adore them too... probably too much, but...  I don't want to clean after people who are taller than me... and I don't want to cook for them more than 2x a month either.  That's just how I feel.

I've got my own things now.  A business, volunteer work, costuming.  I'm busy and I like it.

So that's where I am.

Homeschooling seems so long in the past right  now.  Maybe I really should look into changing my blog name again.

Life takes over... an update

I haven't blogged.  I haven't written my favorite penpal.  I haven't even had a good tub soak!

In NYC were about to move to a new apartment... It's been nearly a year.

In ATL the business is going well and I'm preparing to design costumes for Children of Eden.

And that's what is going on in my life.

Things that have made me sad:  

Prince Died.

Trump is still running for President. 

Things that made my happy:

The kids will be home soon... my son until he decides he's ready to move out, and  my daughter for the summer. 

I'm costuming Children of Eden.  

And that's my update.  XOXO


Where has the time gone, and where is it going?

Here is this morning's post from Facebook:




This kid is truly grown up and has 2-3 semesters left of college... if she chooses, she can sit out the last semester, because she would have met all the requirements to graduate... or she can relax and coast the last 2 semesters by taking the smallest work load as possible. There's also the option of turning her minor into a second major.

Here is what she looks like now:

She won't pose for photos anymore, so we rarely get full frontal face. We have to paparazzi her!

The man child is on his final full semester of college, then a couple of summer classes and done. College wasn't as easy for him, it took some work and growth, but his last two semesters were 4.0 so we feel like he's really got his legs under him now.  Oh you want a photo?  Let's see what I can dig up.


I lifted this from his Facebook page.  It is his self portrait... and with the exception of some beardage and the fact that he has changed his style of hat, this looks exactly like him. Including the annoyed gaze.

I'm excited to see what the future holds. 





So about NYC

We're supposed to be living the dream with our fancy schmancy apartment due to my husband's job in NYC... and in theory, it is going great, but the timing is wonky.  We don't want to sell he house in GA and we have dogs that we can't have in the apartment, so hubby is spending a lot of time alone in NY and I am spending a lot of time alone in GA.

I am managing to keep myself busy enough with the community theatre, but this distance is just difficult.  The fact that he's not exactly thrilled with his job does not help... so I am keeping an open mind about what might happen next because I certainly don't want him to stroke-out in order to make me happy with a little time in NY now and then.

I'm kind of frustrated. I need to try to enjoy my minutes in NY as much as I can while I am here because I don't know how long it will last.

Oh, and also, I am working on getting my homeschool book finished and my time in NY is the best time to work on it... so that's good thing.


Checking in with Adult homeschooled kids

So how are they doing?

They are OK, and maybe a bit too evolved for other people their age.  Seriously, they are doing just fine navigating the real world, but they are not necessarily in sync with their age mates around them.  And they are OK with that. And I am OK with that too.

Let's see if I can explain.

My 21 year old, seems very much like a normal 21 year old male.  He keeps his personal life close to his chest because that's "private".  He is very close to his family members, such as his sister and cousins, and honestly, that's how I get the 911 on my son.  But that thing that is most clearly apparent about him is that he doesn't have any patience for nonsense... by nonsense I mean bad behavior in general.  Rule breaking, lack of consideration, rudeness, meanness.  He lives on a college campus.  These things happen around him all the time.  He typically just avoids it and will not participate. My guess is that he was not desensitized to either put up with or ignore this behavior because he was homeschooled, so as an adult, when he sees bad behavior, he can be a bit judgmental.  At least he's typically quiet about it. Typically.

My daughter is similar but different. She is a rule bender and a rule breaker, if she thinks a rule needs breaking. She especially has a distaste for arbitrary rules that might be made up by an instructor, boss, or friend. No-can-do. If the rule does not sit well with her she will challenge it, or she will find a way to opt out of the situation that involves the rule. They may also be a side effect of homeschooling because we would also say "this..... does not work for me", and then move on. Whatever the thing was, whether it was curriculum, an extracurricular, a group, or a club, if it did not serve us in a positive way, we would remove ourselves from it. And we were OK with it.  But as a young adult, others might see her as a quitter or noncommittal because she's not just jumping on anyone's bandwagon.

At the same time, she is also kind of annoyed with the majority of people her age. Words she uses are entitled, impatient, and negative. She says that her generation is quicker to complain about something than to come up with a solution.  That is draining... especially when you are surrounded by it on a college campus.

Am I saying that my kids are more adult and evolved because they were homeschooled?  Maybe. They are certainly different, and did not learn a lot of the negative behaviors that were enforced in school and they so they don't and won't participate in them.

Besides that, they are normal, everyday, young adults. Who, unless someone points it out, no one would even know they were homeschooled... however, they would probably volunteer that information.



My first month in NYC

My cell phone camera is like a memory bank.  I don't use it so much to take photos of beautiful things I see... first, because I don't fancy myself a tourist.  Second, because everything is beautiful.  I can get caught up in the most fascinating textures of gritty places, and gleam of glass and steel buildings.  In NY, It's all art to me, but I digress.

<<Here's my most used photo.... a reminder of when the ferry to IKEA runs.

It can be kind of hard to ignore social issues when you are in NY. Right now everything around here is rainbow colors in celebration of the right for gay people to marry.  People are literally celebrating in the streets, since there is an actual parade going on not too far from my apartment, and this week I went to Broadway sings for Pride, which was an AMAZING show and since the main goal was preventing young people

My first week in NYC

So I am coming to the end of my first few weeks in NYC, I am heading back to the suburbs of Atlanta in a few days, where I will be furiously working on a costuming project, spending time with the young adult kids, and then coming back here to finish setting up the apartment. I will bringing some stuff from the house like plates, and other stuff I have in triplicate to make the apartment more homey.

I am very lucky to have pen pal of sorts.  Writing to someone daily helped my chronicle my journey.

Here are some of the more "fun" occurrences as they happened:

I am on the bus to NY right now. I should be there In a few hours. I need a Xanax. I thought I was all hardy and such. I could rough it. I'm not above the bus. Ummm. Apparently I'm a delicate flower. First, the lack of communication. How dare I expect customer service and think my questions should be answered. This is the bus lady and it costs $50 round trip. Shut up and get in line. I climb onto the bus and I say "the floor is sticky". An older pretty well put together woman looks at me and says "and..." I. Other words, were you expecting caviar? I silence myself and settle in only to find that my seat was In The back of the bus. The front rows were reserved for the workers they were transporting to work. For real. So I'm the back of the damn bus with a bunch of folks that are neither aware of or give a darn about niceties. They brought aboard the most pungent smelling food and ate it noisily. When they were done they fell into sleep apnea filled slumbers. I wanted to get up And poke people to make sure they were breathing.
 And finally as I settled in and was comfortable with an adorable tattooed young male nestled into my shoulder, I saw a roach. I like to have died. Everyone else was like. Oh yes, a roach , let's call him Ivan. Me, I'm trying to get a photo of it for my online review while simultaneously calculating how far a walk it was from that point. And when I got up for our potty break, I saw thAt everyone had thrown their half eaten dinners in the floor. There were little sewAge streams on the bus. At least that told me I could take my butt back to sleep because the roach/es were not thinking about me. It had a virtual smorgasbord to enjoy. 
While I was on the bus, I got a phone call from my kids.  Son finally passed his road test.  Not

How far will you go to save money?

My current life's journey/adventure includes setting up a second home (an apartment) in NYC, which I will spend as much time as possible at, and which hubby will work from.  Being a very thrifty person, I am struggling with a lot of the costs of NYC.  Which brings me to the question, how far will you go to save money? 


When I first quit my working full time, while pregnant with my son (who is about to turn 21), I did some reading of a very popular series of books called the Cheapskate Gazette.  There were lots of tips and ideas for stretching money so a family could survive on one salary and even prosper.  Some of the ideas were great.  Buying in bulk, freezing meals, couponing, etc.  But some of the ideas were off the wall... for my sensibilities anyway.   I drew the line at the menstruation cup.  Thanks, but no thanks.  I stuck to sanitary napkins and tampons.  


Likewise, being here in NYC, my first impulse is to do things more thriftily to save money. For

12 grade year of homeschooling, Finishing Strong

We are almost done with my college prep series. There will still be a video on completing the transcript.    Stay tuned... meanwhile, ...