Freedom

Conversations that changed my outlook on life part 2:

So there's this person who I have known pretty much all my life. Our relationship has always been tenuous. They are demanding. Their love language is gifts... for them... monetary. I don't love that way. So, needless to say, we butt heads. A lot. 

But because of the nature of the relationship, I tried. Over and over. But the older I got, the more I became secure in saying NO. That caused problems. 

After one particular NO. I was told, and I quote: "I hate you. I have always hated you. I will always hate you, and there is nothing you could ever do to change that." Believe it or not, that did not leave me devastated. It freed me. 

In that moment, I understood that my actions would never, ever, ever, EEVVEEERRRRR earn me love. NO. Being who I am would earn me the love that was meant to come to me. So from that moment on, I felt a heavy weight lift from my spirit and I became more authentically myself, knowing that some people are gonna love me, and some people just are not, and I need to stop trying so hard to be who other people want me to be. 

So if I am not that person you remember, who was kinda needy and always seeking approval, you can blame it on MY PERSON, who I will always love regardless, but whose love I can do without if there are strings attached.

Regret

(little girl making big decisions)

(I am stealing this from my Facebook page).  After writing it, it seemed really relative to my blog.  

Conversations that changed my outlook on life... Part 1.
When I was working a second job at a department store preparing to get married, I worked across the aisle from a woman on the other side of marriage. She had been married many, many years, and before her hubby could retire, he had become sick and she was his care-taker. She also had to work for the first time after having been a stay at home mom. Her kids used to come into the store to say hi. Her son was a doctor, and her Daughter was a business woman, and she... She was bitter with regret that she had wasted her time raising her kids and taking care of her husband because look at where it landed her.   

I think she told me these things because she knew I aspired to stay home and take care of my kids and husband and wanted me to escape her fate. She did not scare me from my course though. I saw kids I would be glad to call my own someday, and strength in her ability to adapt.  

But she did scare me away from the sin of regret. I determined that day that whatever came of my life and my family that I would be strong and happy and regret-less.
Sure I regret being unkind on occasion in a couple of circumstances, but I do not and will not regret sacrificing for my family. In the meanwhile, I have also found that gladly sacrificing for my family does not mean ignoring my own needs.

I think what I am trying to say to myself, and my friends is that we all make different decisions in our lives, and then we have to live with those decisions.  We need to do them happily and without regret and bitterness for ourselves and those close to us, and that there is nothing wrong with sacrificing for ourselves and our loved ones.

Personally, for me, doing such has led to greater happiness and fulfillment and has set me up for what seems like a bright future.  Of course I am determined to make it so.

Don't let them steal your heroes

I am still very raw from the news of the death of Maya Angelou. I feel and deep and profound loss because for me, she was the one, the elder, at shows feet I proverbially sat. I never got to meet her, but once, many years ago, my husband bumped into her in an airport. I was home, pregnant with our first child. He saw her and he knew about my deep love her for and he stopped, gathered his courage and approached her. She was so regal, stood so tall, as he told it, and was very glamorous in her fur coat. He said, "excuse me, I just have to tell you that my wife loves you". She replied, "I love her too". Oh my word! These are the things heroes are made of. He brought her love home to me.

 In processing my sadness for the loss of a woman I find to be so iconic, I began to read her work, her quotes, and wanted to see her image. Hello... Facebook, twitter, and youtube. But youtube can be a nasty place, can't it. I stumbled across a video called The truth about Maya Angelou. In this video, a man, Stefan Molyneux, reported very many truths about Maya Angelou. And they weren't all good. In fact, many were bad. I watched the near 35 minute video with the thought in my mind, "and your point is?" In the end, his point was "don't listen to anything she said... she only preached forgiveness, to get forgiveness for herself, to unburden herself". Don't listen to her because after all her mother didn't do for her, she still loved her mother, so she must have been crazy. All of the talk of overcoming adversity is crap because her life was flawed. She said she did not break the cycle of abuse, because she did not solely raise her own child. He found her immoral, and so therefore useless as a hero. Here is the link to his video.

Mr. Molynuex has created quite a collection of "The Truth" videos.  Right before Maya's video, he

So glad my kids are all grown up - I can't deal with the elf

I have a relative- very glamorous young lady, with two adorable kids, and not too shabby hubby either. Beautiful family.  I am constantly in awe of her and her parenting prowess.  Even when the kids are driving her nuts, she holds it together and comes out looking like a supermom-fairy.  I am fascinated by the little joys she is finding with her small children, posting genuinely funny and insightful things they say and such.  And then there's the elf.  Their elf has a distinctive name, given by their oldest very clever child (no it's not just bias... he's amazing), and they manage to keep up the ruse quite effectively.  I am impressed.  Impressed and so glad my kids are all grown up.  The last thing I want to do is hide the elf. Next to her, I would look like a rank amateur.

I was so glad when I woke up this morning to the following post entitled Dear Perfect Elf on the Shelf people, an open letter.  I thought, "Oh Thank God", I'm not the only parent who just has better things to do than to figure out what to do with a creepy elf that is watching me every day.

Just to put it in proper perspective.  I didn't do Santa Clause either. I didn't make a big deal about telling my kids there was no such person. I just didn't ask get all giddy about it.  I let other people have their illusions, but I just didn't participate.  And when they asked, I gave them the best explanation I could find. I read to them stories like this and this. My daughter's take-away was ... so there was a St. Nick (Santa) and he lived long ago, and we give gifts at christmas because he gave selflessly to demonstrate Christ's love... or so I thought.

My daughter promptly went to school the next day and announced to her Kindergarten class that Santa was dead. "My mother said our parents are giving us gifts because someone named St. Nick started the tradition."  The end. The teacher promptly replied, you are a liar and so is your mother. (The beginning of the end of public school for us.)

Could you imagine me playing along with the elf story? Me neither.  Day 1, he might be clinging to a sticky candy cane. Day 2 he might be in the dog bowl... he'd probably lose a limb to the dog. Day 3, he might be packing a suitcase and heading toward the door.  Day 4, there might be a good-bye letter.

My kids probably won't let me near their kids at Christmas time.

Is your child's learning on schedule?

Yes?

No?

It doesn't really matter.  They WILL learn... eventually.

I've been trying to explain this to a nephew who is struggling with a slow learning curve.  I tell him that yes, he is behind, but the finish line WILL NOT MOVE.  He will get there.  And then, I bet he will soar.

This blog here is a great example of such a journey.

Surrendering to ignorance

Water Aerobics is one of the things that has been filling my time as of late, especially since my kids are all grown up and in college.  Gotta get the ole body in shape if I plan to keep on keeping on.

Today's class caused an interesting observation. We had a substitute teacher who claims that she has taught water aerobics before.  However, she was up on the platform, doing a zumba routine, and pretty much giving no instruction.  Meanwhile, all of us down in the water were pretty much flopping around like dying fish. You see, movement under water is very different than movement on dry land. Water makes you weightless, taking the stress of exercise off your legs, feet, and knees, which is why many people, both large and/or elderly don't exercise... because our feet swell up and our knees ache.  So here we are, doing our darndest to keep up, but she's bouncing on dry land, two of these moves, a wiggle, two of those moves, and jump, and eventually many of us began to just stand still, bewildered, or starting doing our own routines learned from previous instructors.

Other people started complaining loudly and a murmur began to rise in the pool. I decided that if anyone was going to get benefit from the session, and if I wanted to prevent people from hurling water weights at her head, that I had to say something.  So I bounced across the pool and attempted to get her attention... and she ignored me.  Finally, I spoke us and said excuse me... I am sorry, but I have to interrupt.  She stopped the music and listened.  I apologetically explained that the water was deep, and we had a completely different gravity and reaction time that she did.  She needed to slow down and do more repetitions, because once we picked up one move, she had moved on to something else.

Some people started applauding, and I gave them the cut it out sign, waving my flattened hand under my chin, and making a face that said... let it go.  And she did adjust the routine a little, but by then, we had all figure out how to alter her moves to me more effective, and less dangerous in water.

Toward the end of the session, people started mumbling that they were going to give her a piece of their mind. I tried to cut them off at the pass and give her a little gentle advice.  I said, "Perhaps you should try your routine in the water sometime and I bet you will instantly know what adjustments to make".  She snapped, "I've done it in the water".   So I put my hands up in a 'surrender' pose and backed away.  I let the crowd descend.

And my observation is that there are going to be some people who think they know everything, but really, they just have untested ideas. They have no desire to learn or alter their thinking, even through trial and error and so they are going to have to get slammed in life in order to change their ways... if they change their ways at all.

I instantly applied that to the struggles I am having with my doctor (I will write about the case of the missing ovaries later)... with some relatives, and with my kids.  Sometimes, you have to step away and let people think what they are going to think, and do what they are going to do.  You can give advice, but they don't have to take it.  Sometimes our only remaining action is to throw up our hands and walk away.

Young people, re-think your vocabulary

Here is a video of Frederick Douglass' "Fourth of July Speech".

I promise you that Frederick Douglass took great pains to measure each and every word from his mouth.  He did not rely on slang and self-denigrating words to get his message across.  He used formal and intelligent speech and was still able to deliver a shocking and forceful address to his audience.

This speech and his representations of his race in many speeches helped to move mountains and changed the mindset of the intelligence of the black man in the minds of many doubters.   

I dare say that if today's young people would write and speak as intelligently, they would make an even stronger statement - deliver as much shock, as the most swear-word laden rant ever could.  

Measure your words. ... and take delight in vocabulary. 

Happy Fourth of July. 

Don't do this, do that... It pays better

I've had the pleasure of noticing a glut of articles and email list advice about guiding children to the "right" majors and careers.

 It kind of floors me that homeschoolers have also jumped on this bandwagon. I know we all want to make sure our kids become financially secure, but career engineering, in my opinion, will not help our kids. (Yes, I am biased. I am a creative person and so are my kids, so do with this advice what you will.)

 Still, If we point all of our kids to the top 10 college majors for top earners, within 10 years that career choice will be overpopulated. That is just the obvious problem. The other problem, as I see it is that not everyone is wired for those top earning jobs. This means they won't be competitive in their field. They will be at the bottom of the pile professionally and financially. That also won't do much for their emotional well being either.

 Meanwhile, that kid that was wired for one of those touchy-feely careers (and majors) and actually follows their heart, is more likely to be a superstar in their area, putting them at the top of their profession and their income bracket.

 This is why I am not trying to engineer my kids career based on stats and opinions of what sells. I am letting them follow their own instincts so that they can be the best at what they are interested in, no matter how insignificant it may seem to the outside world. I just don't think that by choosing a more financially secure profession will make them any richer than doing what they are naturally good at, so why try to change their direction?

 I will never understand why people homeschool when they still follow the crowd.

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When homeschoolers get real

   The other day, I wrote a post called Homeschooling with humor.   It was an attempt for me to say that sometimes my kids are a pain in the neck, and I deal with it by giving them back some of their own medicine... I.e.  gently mocking them.  Because if they can be impossible, they surely they need to see how it feels to have that 'tude projected back at them.

Last night I came across a post from March 2010 entitled Teen Slacker Mentality and Phony Homeschool Moms.  The post demonstrates how homeschool moms deal with the same period of