I'm trying

Welp.  I am still not happy and don't know when I will be again.

Is that depression?

Is that anger?

Is that denial?

Am I having a hissy fit?

Maybe one, maybe some, maybe all.

I don't know about you all, but I can clearly see how things will go wrong. We are not dealing in reality and it seems most people don't have the the willingness or ability to see it.  I don't mean to insult, as I have friends who actually want the reality we live in, but my sensing leaves me in a foreboding mood.

A friend told me that he doesn't understand how warm and engaging I am in person because it contradicts with my frank, stern nature online.  I think I am a teddy bear all the time, or at least I want to be, but now really isn't a good time to be a teddy bear is it... and he had only known me for a year, so he missed out on a lot.

Anyway I am rambling!

Two college graduations are getting sooner and sooner... so for us, at least homeschooling works. I think a lot more of us will have to consider it, just for the safety of our children.  I believe that sincerely.

Love and caring in the midst (It's GA Gives Day)

Y'all know I'm salty, and sad, and just plain petty these days.  That's ok though, my mood has its justifications, and it's purpose. The fire lit in my soul will go to good use.

In the midst of what I feel like is madness have been beautiful moments though. People being extra kind so as to say, "I see you hurting, but I will stand in the gap".

Last night as I was going to a theatre event at the local Taco Mac, I made it to the door before a man, and hesitated as I always do as I tend to stop and judge the next person's distance to decide if I should hold the door open or if it would be weird (cuz I'm awkward like that).  As I determined he was at 'holdable distance' he spoke up.  "allow me", he said.  As I thanked him and reached for the inner door he said, "and again".  (Sniff... sniff.... so sweet) So I allowed him to grab the second door and thanked him again... and my mood was lifted for the rest of the evening.

Did I mention, or did It even matter that he was a white male?  Nope.
Does it matter that we live in the South, and the chances of him voting for the other guy is probably 70%? Nope.

What mattered is that he showed love and kindness and made my day better.  Yay for that.

Meanwhile, can I ask my readers to show love and kindness today.

It is GA Gives day and I need a little help.  Here's what I wrote on my facebook page.

Here's the link: https://www.gagivesday.org/c/…/a/liveartstheatre/p/ahermitt/

Please consider donating or sharing.  Thank you!

To safety pin or not to safety pin. Is this a question?

This is part of my Anger and Loathing Series re the 2016 election.  Feel free to read my other posts.

So women of all hues have opted to start wearing safety pins in a silent protest and show of solidarity.  We, as women of the Pantsuit Nation have chosen to wear this symbol to let people who need to SEE allies see them.  People are seeing the pins and making eye contact, and smiling, because that symbol makes one feel not alone. I think it is a great idea.

Furthermore, the pin for many is a promise that if they see you being stepped on, marginalized, or threatened that the wearer will step in.  I think it is a beautiful thing.

(The safety pin movement offers solidarity post-election)

But then there's the opinion that the safety pins may not be such a good thing.  (I'm just going to add here that a white man wrote the article and has started the question... and directed it toward white women, the article spoke to both protect and shame in my opinion).  I get his point too....  He's asking people, if you are going to wear the pin, what else are you going to do.  Are you just putting on a pin to make yourself feel better, or will you put your money where your mouth is?  Will you step in and take a punch if it is thrown?  Wearing the pin is not enough... in fact, it is embarrassing, is his point. I think.

Ok, so maybe people didn't think out this safety pin thing too well.  A woman got called the C-word on the way to work... for wearing the pin, and a man spit in her face.  Wearing that little pin is no joke... it is hard.  It makes you a target of friends, family members, and the worst (in my personal experiences) it makes you a target of your friends friends who will come straight for you as they feel close enough to speak their mind, but far enough away to not feel any responsibility for your hurt.  Yes, the pin is a dangerous thing.  (...and I am crying while writing this)... there is gravity here... It is serious.

But still people go too far.  A jewelry maker decided to monopolize on the trend... Unless they are donating ALL the proceeds to planned parenthood or civil rights groups or some kind of protection agency, battered women...something ... shame on them.  (Jewelry maker charges $335 for Safety Pin "solidarity" necklace)

And some people will go farther.  Me, a Christian woman, (while many will disagree) am designing a special pin for myself and the women close to me... I only have it partially figured out right now.  It will have a rainbow aspect to it for LGBTQ but I also want a muslim aspect and a jewish aspect and a BLM aspect too... maybe I will need multiple pins, but I want people to know that I see them, and they are safe with me...  Can I protect them, maybe, maybe not, but I am a safe person to talk to, to find solace in, and I am always game for a hug.

Depression in the 2016 election aftermath

I am deeply rooted in an overwhelming sense of depression.

And I wrote that sentence and let is set for a whole 5 minutes.

I am depressed because I now realize that good does not necessarily outweigh bad.  I believe that those who made this decision may have meant good, but they had to willingly choose to ignore the bad to make this decision... And so the bad wins.

And here are how people are acting since the election.

• Black people are being called nigger in the streets... and being told to go back to Africa. 
• Some kids at a school put up signed for colored and white water fountains. 
• Muslims are being attacked even more than before. 
• Hispanic children, Mexican or not, are being taunted with "build a wall, build a wall".

... and worse.

And instead of these same good people standing in and saying, this is not who we are, they are instead deflecting with "well you have no right to boycott" and "you're exaggerating".

And as a black woman in America with black children, I don't like people right now.  And I don't trust people right now, and even though I only got out of my bed a couple hours ago, I want to crawl back into it.

So please excuse my angry journaling.  This is how I get over depression... you don't have to read it.  It is mine.

Fortunately, bubbling underneath, is peace, cuz God... and determination... cuz will.  Imma be good... but I need to be sad and bitter for a minute.