Less than a month til 50

On a fateful day in late June, I will be 50. 

I am dealing with a little depression due to circumstances out of my control, but overall, I am still pretty frikken excited about turning 50.  

I think that officially makes me middle age?  

But here are some interesting stats.  

Two of my sisters didn't live past 30. 

Another didn't make it to 40. 

A brother did not make it to 40. 

And my mother died at 55. 

So that fact that I am here in this time and place is miraculous to me. 

I'm fine. Those siblings were siblings that I grew up with, but we had a blended family, and there is no DNA in common with any of those people except my mom... who smoked... since she was 11. 

All the same, there is some survivor guilt and also some awed enthusiasm as I approach this crazy milestone.   

Are you ready?  Cuz I am. 

The 7:30 Am Mammogram

I have a horrible fixation with having the first appointment of the morning. I hate the idea of being behind whatever could possibly go wrong during the day. A previous appointment who is late. The doctor (or whoever the appointment is with) having a bad sandwich... whatever could affect the course of one's day.... I don't want it to affect mine. So if the mammogram office tells me that there is a 7:30 AM appointment, I am taking it.

Yes. I am crazy.

First, I didn't sleep well not wanting to miss my appointment and worried that I would not wake up with the 6am alarm (as I had to be there at 7)  so I was cranky and tired. Second, It was for a mammogram, so I had high anxiety. Third, I hadn't had a mammogram in 4 years because the hospital messed up my bill the last time, and it took 3 years to straighten it out, I didn't want to deal with them again.   Also, they scared me to death and inconvenienced me thinking something was wrong for the doctor to decide it was nothing. Oh, I almost caused a car accident on the way... did I say anxiety?

So the first person I deal with is the account person. She doesn't want to be up at that hour either.... and if I remember correctly, she is the same person who did my billing last time. I ask to pay my copay right away, and in a very nasty tone she says she can't because she does not know how much my insurance will cover or not (every other doctor can estimate this though).  I tell her why, because of the problem with the last time, and she gets offensive, and says "I don't know what you are talking about. That did not happen."  So, I'm like whatever, she's like whatever, so whatever.  She walked me to the back and gave me brief instructions, nothing like the gentle instructions I heard her give every other person so... forget her.  Unlike last time, I was not instructed that I could have a refreshment, nothing... she spoke to me like I was a dog. I wanted to cut her, but I did not. She lived.

Thank goodness, the technician was wonderful. She played a weird game of twister with my body, but she was encouraging and pleasant.... and handsy... but that was her job. Unlike the last time, halfway through, she did not fall silent and break eye contact.  I did not leave with more anxiety. Whether I have to go back again for more tests like last time, I am not worried about it... so, good.  That is over, at least for now.

The best thing about that appointment is I was back home by 8:30.... and I took a mid-day nap.

Next time, OBGYN.

Trying to appreciate here and now

I edited an essay for a college bound student the other day.  I found the essay intriguing because it was quite and artistic way of saying, I tend to procrastinate, but I am working on it. If I were the admissions officer, I would accept them.

The essay started out describing time as the enemy. It pondered through the relativism of time and some philosophy regarding time and how we move through it. Interestingly enough, I have been feeling similar feelings... except more like that time has become a tractor trailer with failing brakes.
My dad was a truck driver, so I am well aware of the struggle the truck has climbing the hill. It seems, slow, arduous, and painful, but it keeps chugging with that "I think I can attitude". As it climbs that hill (of life) it picks up experiences, and skills, and learns little tricks and tips to make the journey successful....

And then it reaches the top.  It puts its proverbial hands on its hips and surveys the surroundings.  It would love to stay at the top of that hill forever, but that's not how it works...  what goes up must come down. The trip down is nothing like the trip up... the weight of the load and just simple gravity causes it to barrell down the hill at breakneck speed that seems nothing like the journey up. It's all one can do to enjoy the ride.

I am pretty certain that it won't be as long as it has been.... and I am no longer uttering the phrase... "I can't wait til (I'm grown, or I'm through this stage, or till I achieve that)"... no, that's not a luxury I have any more. I need to savor each moment... and fortunately, the analogy of the truck is not necessarily true... thank goodness.  The hill down has many plateaus and rest stops and I plan to enjoy all of them.

I wish I had listened to my mother when I was young. She once said, "sure, you want to be grown, but once you reach 21 years old, the rest becomes a blur".  She was right.

So here I am trying to hold on to each moment and finding positive enjoyment in each moment that seems to fly by too quickly... trying to appreciate the here and now.

Nearing 50 and having moments...

So, I changed my blog title.  It was coming for some time.  My youngest homeschooler graduates from college in May and my oldest just applied for Grad school... and while I am still somewhat involved and give advice to homeschoolers (and am almost done with my book), my most passionate posts as of late have been about me and dealing with this world.  Check out my Anger and loathing series and you will see what I mean.

I am constantly having moments. I am short tempered.  It gets real hot at the most inopportune times and my under-boob skin is dry and sensitive.  I've spent my whole life being a "natural beauty" with the exception of some awkward teen years, and now My bathroom is bursting with potions and bottles.  Lord, Help Me!!

So this is where I am at. Enjoy the ride.