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Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts

Monday, July 31, 2017

Stranger Prayer

My three-day migraines are an expected inconvenience.  They are hormonal and on schedule. It starts out with some light sensitivity and my back and neck start to tighten up. Eventually, I get a feeling of a spike being driven up my nose. I do my best to hydrate and take migraine medicine, but all that said, I typically survive day 1 intact.

Day two I usually wake up wondering why I am still alive. the railway ties that have been driven up my nose feel like someone is still smacking them with a hammer. If I'm not busy, I spend the day in bed, hiding, but lately, it seems I still have things to do, so I take drugs and keep moving.

Day 3 is marked with an aching head and mental confusion and a bit of eye twitching. I literally don't know which end is up, but the good news is the headache is beginning to fade. It's usually gone by the end of the day if I eat well and hydrate properly.

So let's discuss stranger prayers. Those times when a well-meaning person asks if they can pray for your... broken arm, leg, worries, pinched nerve, whatever. I have encountered stranger prayer several times in my life... not all of them were strangers though, and that made it worse.

One time a teenage girl was with me (family friend) and using crutches. A group of other teens asked to pray for her and said, did it stop hurting? Can you walk? Her answer, omg, I think I'm better and hobbled to my car without her crutches... that is dangerous, and it could have caused more injury because guess what?  They are not Jesus and could not heal her fractured foot.

One time another homeschool mom asked to pray for my eyes... I was wearing glasses. She asked about my sight, and I explained what I could to her... a bit of a lazy eye, a bit of a stigmatism. I agreed to prayer and she asked, has your sight improved... sure... I lied. After that, every time I saw her I felt the need to remove my glasses.

So when a lovely young man that I know a tiny bit asked to pray for my headache last night (end of day 2) , I replied no.  He was a bit taken aback but I had a headache and hence no humor to play "healed" and be responsible for his self esteem as far as his personal faith was concerned... ya know?

That is all.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

That time ATT & Best Buy let someone steal phones on my account

As we were heading out to the restaurant for my son's 23rd birthday, his phone went dead. Since his phone is kinda old, we figured it was a fluke and went ahead and ate. (Side note, if you phone goes dead, call the phone company immediately).  After eating, we got on the phone and called to find out someone had just upgraded my son's phone, and "purchased" two more phones on my account that I would have to pay for.

I caught it quick so it will be OK... but...

Folks are not doing their jobs. That person either had a fake ID or knew my PIN, but probably not both.  Anytime I have to do anything on my account, I have to give my first born's blood type, but this person could waltz into Best Buy and get 3 phones in my name and go about their happy business.... that pisses me off.

But OK... I spoke to pre-fraud and will speak to fraud in the morning.  They re-simmed my son's existing phone so his phone is usable... and the guy at the store had me change my password and suggested I manage my account online... I wasn't sure what he meant, but I figured out how to disconnect and block those phones online tagging them as stolen... I was told don't worry about it, but I could not sleep after reading that someone could possibly use the phones to get into my personal information, so I took my own steps.

So, ATT?  What's up?  Best Buy... Really?

I am wondering if it is an inside job on either side.  My son did buy the phone that is now out of contract at Best Buy... did someone access that info?  Or... did the one of the two people who I upgraded my service with last month (who buy the way did not finish the orders, I had to call 3 time)... did one of them use my info to steal phones.

I would like to know.

oh, and I will be following the steps in this article tomorrow.

Friday, July 07, 2017

Mammograms and my scattered life

Unlike last time, I got a letter back from the women's center saying my mammogram is all clear. "No abnormalties that indicate breast cancer. The last time THEY acted completely freaked out, called me back in, did another mammogram while making no eye contact, then left me laying on a table for over an hour while a doctor went around looking at women's results, doing a hands-on exam and telling them whether or not they had cancer.  I lay on that table for over an hour listening to women crying... I started planning my will.  Fortunately, I had some pearl-cysts he said... not cancer...  but what an ordeal.  To rub more salt in the would, they completely messed up my billing (hence the experience this time).  But the cysts eventually went away, I poked them daily for like a year until I could not feel them anymore, and I am all good.

I don't know about this FitBit. Maybe I'm nuts, but I think I can feel the sensors... I am very aware of my wrist the whole time. I am tracking my meals and keeping them 500-1000 calories a day under what I burn. It is making me get up more and to exercise more... and I have lost a couple pounds so I will keep using it for a while.

My work has me perplexed. I need to finish the book I am working on...It needs to be finished, and I need to get going with my homeschool advocacy.  There never seems to be the time.  It is probably the most important thing I am doing.

Meanwhile,... The industry I jumped into last year (vintage and antique furniture) is actually struggling right now as an industry and I have moved shops and am trying different things, because the most dedicated people do make money. I am just really mad that one of the places I joined recently over represented their sales... sure, there are always cars in the parking lot, but they are all vendors cars, so... yeah... The good news is the newest place I found is doing well, and kinda effortlessly, but it is a design center, not a vintage or antique place, and the things I find attractive seem to sell well there. I am looking forward to putting up my Christmas display.  In addition, my bestie just got her Real-Estate license (remember when I was trying that) and I am helping to set up her business... I will be introducing her soon... she's kinda awesome. I have dabbled in real-estate my entire life and have a paralegal degree, and as her career takes off, I could unintentionally end up with a job.

Since the last election, I have quietly participated in groups that discuss politics, but they are starting to lose focus and bicker too much for my comfort. As the next election draws near, I know focus will come back, but for now, I have retreated because my sanity is important.... and thinking about the state of our politics non stop will make anyone angry.

Yes, this is all too much, and if you follow me you know I also make costumes and am on the board of a community theatre... This kind of work probably needs to be passed on to my daughter... I like being valued, but it is her real gifting, I only got into it due to her.

Oh yeah, I'm an artist... I really need to paint something... and things seem to be MOVING on the home front... I may be building a house.  Shoot me now.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

I am 49 years old dammit!

It is the morn of my 49th birthday, and already I have been besieged with people purposely wishing me a happy 39th or the umpteeth anniversary of my 29th birthday.  What kind of shenanigans are these?

I am 49 and have earned every single day of my existence. I don't like it when people roll back the clock on me (though I am trying to have good humour about it).  I am sure I have insulted at least one person this morning... but...

My sisters (step sisters) passed away at 28, 30, and 35 due to a genetic illness I don't have.  My brother made it to about 44. His daughter made it to 21. I have 4 brothers left, who survived the genetic lottery. I am aware of my mortality and every year is a triumph.  I am also quickly approaching the age my mother passed away. She was 55. I am not worried though because she had cancer when she was younger than I am now, so there's another victory!

Excuse my morbid nature, but it just irks me when people wish me a happy birthday, by insisting on rolling back the clock out of humour our naivety. It is just not necessary with me.

Imma go ahead and enjoy this day, and hopefully not roll any heads. One more year to go to 50!!!! wooo hoo!.  We are gonna celebrate!

Monday, June 19, 2017

On weddings and marriage

It is rare to be invited to the wedding of someone you know casually, like a work chum or someone you have met thought hobbies or such, but this past weekend, I scored such an invite. I went to the wedding of a young lady who I have costumed consistently over the past 2 years in a few stage productions. I am a big fan of hers as she is hilarious. Even more so, I admire how her fiance (now husband) got onto stage at her request recently and take part in a flipped gender comedy. He was out of his element, but easy-going nature and willingness to play along won my heart. And so these two crazy kids got married. They were just a few years older than I was when I got married, but in this day and age they are YOUNG! But that's OK.

There is a certain beauty in attending a wedding where you are not a relative, or where you really don't know anyone else there. I had a small group of other theatre people, but mostly we knew no one. So there's no probing questions from relatives who want to know your personal business. There are no drunk uncles to look out for (and you don't really care). There are no family feuds for you to intervene in... no awkwardness at all.  Just wonderful wedding and no judgement. Normally, I don't like weddings at all, but this one was wonderful.  (It probably had something to do with some top-notch wedding planning because this was so classy, and clean, and orchestrated... I am in awe.)

Weddings, in my opinion are often the barometer for a marriage. If the wife is a Bride-zilla and short tempered on the wedding day(common), then the marriage is doomed to short-tempered existence. If the husband is barely standing due to way too much alcohol, then the marriage is doomed to unpredictability due to poor impulse control. If extended family members are at war, then the couple will be besieged with family pressures that can destroy the marriage. But if both people are easy going, and just darned happy to be at the alter, they will have the good nature and humor to get though everything life throws them.  The latter is what I witnessed this weekend.

The best part about the ceremony, in my opinion is the playful way they wanted to and tried to kiss before the priest gave permission. She had to keep saying, no not yet, I will let you know. Also, the bride had the tendency to jump up and down in joy from time to time.  And I am sure the grooms face is still hurting two days later because his smile muscles were in action the whole afternoon and evening! Yes, this is going to be a joyous marriage.

My heart is happy right now, knowing there is still good in the world.  So from an old married lady, with a bit of experience behind her, my best advice to young married couples is have fun... Yes, of course, do the work... but keep a light heart and you will be happy.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Doing too much, accomplishing too little

I have been driving from one vintage booth to another as I close down the one where the store has lost it's lease due to a new owner in the plaza and a supermarket coming it. (It took alot of pulling teeth to get the full story.)

I have been painting alot, and just trying to manage to get items ready for sale.

I have been crafting every single evening, also to have booth items, and to get rid of an over abundance of craft supplies... of course each supply calls for another supply to finish the job.

I have been organizing my home to make all this stuff more accessible.

I have been putting items for sale on Ebay...

I'm tired, and I haven't seen pay off yet, so that is exhausting.

And my husband is seriously giving me the side eye because he sees me doing all this work, but progress is not quite as evident.

Ugh.  It's so difficult and confusing to embrace your talents.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Observations with a cane

I have been using a cane for just under a month now. It is interesting to see how much is confuses some people and calls other's to action.

The confusion I am sure is because of my face. No one believes that I am 48, turning 49 in about 10 days. But the cane instantly ages a person so they look at the cane, look at my face, and look at the cane again... then I am sure they decide it is weight related, and they move on.

Other's jump into action. As I am working on my vintage booth/business, moving furniture from time to time men and younger women jump in and take over.  It is sweet, but they don't handle my furniture as carefully as I would, so sometimes I leave the cane in the car until I am done with my work.... and then I really, really need it.

Oh, the cane... why?  Numbness and tripping... so I need it for balance.  The physical therapist is working to fix the issue, and I am working do drop a few pounds because I am sure that will help.

Sunday, June 04, 2017

And She's Off

It has been an interesting last few weeks as we celebrated the youngest's college graduation, had a party,  visited with doctors to follow up on health issue that being in college exacerbated,  lost one of our dogs, and packed her off to her internship in upstate NY.  She and her dad are driving her car there as we speak. Then he will catch a plane in the morning and fly back home as she sets up her living arrangements by herself for the first time in her life.

I have always been available to pre-clean her room, make her bed and arrange her furniture. Yes, she's 20, but I am an unrepentant child hoverer... that and the fact the she is very messy by default, I have figured out a system where she can function and use the room in a way that will avoid her tendencies to be a slob.  The fact that she is sharing a small studio apartment with another person has me nervous, but perhaps the presence of someone so close will make her at least pick up her clothes and towels. I hope.

While I am excited for her, I am already looking forward to her coming back home at the end of the summer and telling me about all her adventures in that animated way she describes her life.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Still alive, the Zika didn't get me

I finally kinda feel like myself after the flu last winter, and my mini vacation.

I costumed a few shows last winter, and kept up with my board duties, and that pretty much kept me offline.

Here are a few pics of what I have been doing.

Stealing Home (partial cast)

Amazing Mayzie

Gertrude Mc Fuzz before

Gertrude McFuzz After

Children's show, Rumplestiltskin (faces cut out)

Rainbow tree in Puerto Rico

Plants in Puerto Rico

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Speechless and dragging

That is how I feel lately.

I am speechless and I feel like while I have a ton to say, the words are caught in my throat.  I feel like I have to choose between speaking and breathing. I feel like my throat is so constricted from worry that it can only serve one function at a time... well, maybe two, cuz there's eating.  But at first, I couldn't even eat.  All I could do was breathe, barely. I felt myself grasping onto a proverbial banister or chair rail, panting with heaving chest and laboring back just to exist from one moment to another.  Being so focused on just living, breathing from day to day, left my mind crowed with words that can't seem to get out.  My brain is full... and the images are not cute or fuzzy.

Basically. I'm pissed and don't know how to express it.  Who am I mad at?  The world. Everything and nothing.

And now I am dragging.  Perhaps I have been breathing too shallow for so long that the oxygen is no longer making it to my extremities. Is that why my feet tingle? Is that why my arms grow numb? Could my mental and emotional upset be contributing to my physical malaise?  Or could that flu I had about six weeks ago have left me with some kind of invisible secondary infection that won't go away.

Either way, I am literally, sick and tired, and speechless. I do have a doctor's appointment soon... maybe I should also get a therapist.  ((shrug)).

Friday, February 03, 2017

Never too old to go back to college

A few years ago, I posted that I was going to get my real estate license... I took the online class, but at the end decided not to go through with it... it seemed like an easy way to get into the workforce.

After a few years of volunteering, and learning while doing, and talking and thinking, I have decided to get a second bachelors followed by a Masters degree... right now, I reviewing math online because I will probably need college algebra.

Wish me luck.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

What I learned at Broadwaycon

As I lay in my hotel bed with sore legs and aching feet, I feel very happy and satisfied. I have just spent 3 whole days at BroadwayCon 2017, also known as BroadwayCon #2, the year we didn't get snowed in due to a huge blizzard. It was great, and after the last couple of months, I was due a break from the issues of the world that troubled my mind.

It's not like I wasn't aware of the STUFF that has had me so upset, but I was allowed to celebrate, art, and fun, and the artists who create the fun and entertainment that is so worth celebrating. The STUFF was actually a pretty major theme throughout the weekend, but to get to look at it through the lens of artists, deep thinkers, who create and reinterpret the world around us, was a beautiful thing. It was also good to know I was surrounded by people who were pretty much of the same mind. Sure some people didn't agree and a few people left, but in this crowd, it probably less than 1% of the crowd who had a problem with the narrative. 

The opening and closing performances, for example referenced leadership that split our country and banned all that is good and threatened liberty. But in Broadway fashion, the first performance found a happy solution, and the latter gave us hope that we could in fact, survive this.... this.. that thing that would not be mentioned, but we all understood. 

So, here are the things I learned at BroadwayCon:

1. If you want to be an artist (Theatre art, visual art, writer), you need to create art... daily. 
2. You should spend half the work day in research and the other half of the day creating. 
3. You need to promote yourself using social media... it is the best way to be discovered.  Learn to use it. 
4. Never say no to an opportunity unless it makes you feel unsafe. 
5. Use your emotions to fuel art.
6. Let societal issues fuel you. 
7. Don't worry about doing derivative work. That can be paralyzing.. Create whatever comes up and then work through it to something original. 
8. Bad ideas can and will lead to wonderful ideas. 
9. What is meant for you is for you. Keep seeking opportunities, but don't get discouraged if you don't get it. 
10. Someone else's success is not your failure. 

And the bonus item: Artists are incredibly socially aware and often err on the side of compassion. 

Thank goodness I am not alone. I so feel like a fish out of water lately....  I thought the tide had turned... but it turns out I may have ended up in the wrong stream. 

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Gates, Fences, and Walls

As is typical in Metro Atlanta, I live in what some would call a McMansion, in a gated community. It didn't take me long to discover that I was locked in with the crazies. The people within this gated community act just as squirrely as the people on the outside.

Within our upper-middle income community, we have had thefts, drug deals, speeding on streets kids play on, and vandalism... the people that did the crimes lived within the community.  Take for instance the fact that my car was ransacked last night. The thief took my backpack. But before they took it they removed the contents.. My binder for the community theatre board, my folders and receipts for each costuming project. They just took the backpack and the cell phone charging brick that was in the pocket.... well, that and then they tossed the car looking for change. They didn't even take the Gas card that had $17.00 on it. Chances are, this was a neighborhood kid.  Who lives in my community. If I see my backpack again, I will be pressing charges.

So besides the fact that my neighborhood is gated... there are actually 2 gates because it is a 2 part neighborhood and the pool and tennis are in the other part, the pool is fenced.  Tall fences... tacky fences with a bit of wire at the top to keep outsiders from climbing over and using the facilities. When they put in that horrible looking prison fence and the security cameras I stopped using it altogether.  First, I felt jailed. Second, I felt watched. No one wants to feel watched in their swimsuit... so fencing the pool took the enjoyment out of it.

And then there are walls. Who are they really for? And do you really want to be trapped in with the people building them?

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Artistic Interpretations and alternative facts

When I was in college working on my BA in Fine Art, I would grate when it was time to critique one another's work... especially when it was time to critique mine. These people were always so far off the mark.

That time when I did a still life of things in my dorm room, which happened to include handcuffs that my brother won at the county fair and somehow I kept them as a momento. That still life was deemed deeply sexual when for me, they were a symbol of strength and connection.

That time when the teacher berated me for doing a Madonna and Child print when in reality the woman holding the child was my oldest sister who had died from Cancer at 30 and the child was my 2nd youngest brother who could not break out of mourning... He was broken and my heart was not only broken for me, but for him and the loss of her.  (I brought in the source photo the next day and threw it at him.)

How could these people look at my work in insinuate their own experiences into them. How dare those student (who I realized sometimes later were ALWAYS high for this class) turn strength into something dirty.  How dare that teacher get angry because he thought I had the audacity to draw something iconic without "permission" when what I had drawn was a broken heart.

How dare they.

These misinterpretations have stunted me artistically. It's been many years, but I am still afraid to put myself out there creatively due to what people might think... say. But I am getting there.

I had a thought today... Perhaps there were some truths in those critiques from decades ago. Perhaps I saw my older sister and younger brother as a religious experience. Perhaps there was some naughtiness to the fact that I included the handcuffs. Perhaps my subconscious knew something that my conscious mind was blocking.  Maybe they were right. Maybe they used alternative facts.

Speaking of alternative facts?  What the hell? But if that is the way our country wants to run itself right now... the actual facts will come out in the wash.  Eventually.

A video for your enjoyment.

Sunday, January 01, 2017

There was no meteor... It's 2017

My daughter kept saying that she was sure we were going to be hit with a meteor that would end all life before 2016 was over.  The year had been so messed up, and losing Carrie and Debbie Reynolds together to her was a sign of impending doom.  But were still here!

So here we are, alive and pretty much still in a bad mood. The politics are grating. The racial climate is uncomfortable (understatement), and the world seems suddenly unwelcoming. But that's OK.  I'm still here are I have stuff to do.

What to expect from me this year?

1. Rebranding, as evidenced by the change in my blog name.
2. No nonsense- straight talk.  I feel an urgency in my heart that won't let me mince words
3. Completion of projects to clear space to start the new ones waiting for me.

I feel a sense of urgency in my heart that is propelling me forward.

I got stuff to do.

Monday, December 26, 2016

As 2016 draws to a close

As 2016 draws to a close,  I sit here in a proverbial pillar of salt.  While it was an interesting and reasonably good year on a personal level, I am sad and despondent over the state of our nation. As much as I would like to be positive and say that 2017 is going to be a banner year, it is far more likely to become a shit-storm.

That me for me it is a time for introversion and building.

My book will be finished.

I will be working more with homeschoolers and maybe less in the arts... unless those two things combine.

I will make a decision about my Masters degree.. will I get one or not?

I hope I can find some joy this year.. as I have a wonderful family and am well cared for, but what good is my comfort if others are being persecuted?

Goodbye 2016.  I will spend the next few days putting on my armor for the coming years.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Rules of disagreement

A week ago I had the opportunity to sit with a young man and have a meaningful conversation.  I will start by saying that I am glad to not be young in this day and age. The loss of privacy between this generation and mine is astounding. The social media causes one to either be completely antisocial or more visible than they are comfortable with. If I had to deal with that in my early 20's and try to maintain a relationship, I never would have made it.

We talked about how I had a long-distance relationship (with my now husband) throughout college.  He was astounded that we had a phone date once a week where we spoke for an hour. That it all. The bill cost too much for anything more, although we did have an occasional 5 minute quickie conversation, we really only spoke once a week... for 4 years... and saw each other on major holidays.

When we compared this to how the young people's conversations work, with daily and sometimes hourly texting, he asked me to draw a comparison... I could not.  My husband and I don't even communicate like the young people do these days. Keeping track of each others every move and their every mood.  I don't know if our relationship would have survived such a thing.

Finally, he asked me a question that I feel like I could answer... how did we handle arguments and

Monday, December 19, 2016

Tis the season to Give

I'm not going to go into it.

Matthew 6:4-6 says "Give your gifts in private, and your Father, who sees everything, will reward you."

So only a handful people will know the details... the person I had to get permission from to spend above the pre-set amt, the 2 women I tell my secrets to, and my children who notice everything I do... but the short and short of it is I was moody.  I knew someone had a need, and I took care of it.


For today anyway.  So that's the answer... think less about me and my moods and my ... depression... and think more about others and the mood will lift.  Good news. Good news.

So if you are one of those people for whom this holiday season brings you more down than up, find someone who is in need and help them... they are not too hard to find.  Just ask a couple of friends, or call a church or something. I know I didn't have to look far.

ps... I hope no one thinks I am bragging... I just really, really want to give advice to help those who get extra moody this time of year.

Til next time.

I seem to have lost my Christmas Spirit

Well.. actually, I've never been real big on Christmas.  I decided it was anticlimactic around the age of 11. My older brother used to wake everyone up at 3am to open gifts when we'd rather be sleeping and then we would go back to bed.  I never felt the warm fuzzies about that exercise...  I preferred the Christmas Mass at the church instead.  That's just me.

So I have been the producer of the Christmas show at the community theatre this year, and while it was fun and Christmassy, it occupied my thoughts in a way that was not very 'holiday'.. more business instead.  So that it over now, and I like 1 week before Christmas... OK... wow!

We have gifts that I need to wrap (put in store bought pre-decorated boxes) and I guess maybe we should start making cookies or something.

I wonder if anyone is having a party.  That might put me in the mood... or at least A mood.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Trying to appreciate here and now

I edited an essay for a college bound student the other day.  I found the essay intriguing because it was quite and artistic way of saying, I tend to procrastinate, but I am working on it. If I were the admissions officer, I would accept them.

The essay started out describing time as the enemy. It pondered through the relativism of time and some philosophy regarding time and how we move through it. Interestingly enough, I have been feeling similar feelings... except more like that time has become a tractor trailer with failing brakes.
My dad was a truck driver, so I am well aware of the struggle the truck has climbing the hill. It seems, slow, arduous, and painful, but it keeps chugging with that "I think I can attitude". As it climbs that hill (of life) it picks up experiences, and skills, and learns little tricks and tips to make the journey successful....

And then it reaches the top.  It puts its proverbial hands on its hips and surveys the surroundings.  It would love to stay at the top of that hill forever, but that's not how it works...  what goes up must come down. The trip down is nothing like the trip up... the weight of the load and just simple gravity causes it to barrell down the hill at breakneck speed that seems nothing like the journey up. It's all one can do to enjoy the ride.

I am pretty certain that it won't be as long as it has been.... and I am no longer uttering the phrase... "I can't wait til (I'm grown, or I'm through this stage, or till I achieve that)"... no, that's not a luxury I have any more. I need to savor each moment... and fortunately, the analogy of the truck is not necessarily true... thank goodness.  The hill down has many plateaus and rest stops and I plan to enjoy all of them.

I wish I had listened to my mother when I was young. She once said, "sure, you want to be grown, but once you reach 21 years old, the rest becomes a blur".  She was right.

So here I am trying to hold on to each moment and finding positive enjoyment in each moment that seems to fly by too quickly... trying to appreciate the here and now.