I think I got welfare shamed and I'm not on welfare

Sketch a day - day 7

I went to the grocery store for two reasons... lunch, and cash-back. Cash back is awesome because I don't have to pay atm fees to spend my money, and since I had to pay the dude repairing the woodpecker holes in my house today, I needed cash. (I probably won't use him again, with one of the reasons being he doesn't take checks.  Who wants to go to get cash two days in a row to get enough money to pay someone?)

Anyway, I said to the cashier I need $100 cash back, is that possible? She replied, the max is $50, but I can split your bill. Cool.. Cool.  So she rang up my bill with a few things left on the conveyor belt.

As I went fishing in my wallet for my debit card she got annoyed.  I was trying to find the right debit card, for our joint account, since I didn't want to take it from my main shopping account because most of the money was for house repairs.

She replied in an annoyed voice... "that's a lot of cards".  I apologized.  "They are all for different things", I said.  "Well, I don't know what anyone needs all those cards for".  I was so caught off guard, I started explaining. "Well, I have joint cards for each kids account, they are in college.  And I have a joint account with my husband. And I have the card I use for most purchases, groceries and stuff, and then I have one credit card", I explained, feeling flushed.... as if it were any of her business.  "Well" she huffed", I only have one card, I don't have enough money for all those cards, but a little is better than nothing!" I started to explain again, and then realized how ridiculous I was being, I paid for my second half of the purchase, got my other $50 cash back and left.

It is nobody's business how many debit or credit cards I have. It is nobody's business how much money I do or don't have. And I should not feel guilty or ashamed for what I have or how it works for me.  It is my money and it is my system. It works for me.

This isn't the first time I have felt attacked by this particular cashier.  Over the summer I purchased pre-cubed watermelon.  Sure I could have purchased a whole watermelon, but I didn't want to deal with it.  She chastised me for not making the more economical choice and that the pre-cut watermelon was a lot more per pound.  I felt so convicted (bad) that I purchased a whole watermelon the next time... and guess what, most of it was yucky... unevenly ripe.  I would have gotten a much better bargain buying it pre-cut, seeing how much I tossed out.

I will be avoiding this cashier from now on.

Before her, and when my kids were younger, there was another such cashier.  She would tell me that I needed to get a job every time I saw her.  "The manager is here, she would say, you'd be a great cashier".  "I'm good", I would reply, but she would keep insisting. It bothered her that I clearly did not have a job and was spending what she though was a lot of money at the grocery store.  Surely, I needed a job, right?

So what gives?

I am being made to feel just like those people others shame for using a EBT (food stamps) card for buying what they think is excessive, only I don't use any of those cards, and my husband makes good money which I manage well, and I can afford to feed us well, most of the time.  Still, I am being treated the exact same as those people.

Maybe it is because I don't dress up and look rich.  I look like the average joe-schmo always dressing casually, and when I go to the grocery, I often dress like I'm homeless! (I don't really know how a homeless person dresses)  If I am cooking or cleaning, or just took a nap, I just roll out in whatever I had on.. so is that why they are judging me?  Do they think that there is no way I am getting this money I am spending honestly?  Do they think they need to remind me to be more careful with money, because they don't think I have any or should have any?

I don't know, but it befuddles me.

I'm going to have to be rude and put a stop to it.

What I probably do best, but not what I want to keep doing

Sketch a day- day 6

I was busy today updating my computer with the next mac version and then trying to get back photos from when my computer died... I think my daughter's sweet 16 photos are gone... going to try to snipe a photo or two from people who were there.

My sketch today is something I do naturally and often.  It is a sketch of my bedroom floorpan.  It is a stupid room.  The most obvious place for a bed, between two windows is under a vent and right next to the bathroom.  I don't like that.  There is a huge sitting area with a slated ceiling like a huge dormer.  My bed is there now, top photo, but I have been bored with it.

The biggest problem is where the cable jack is is also stupid... on the wall behind the couch in the upper photo and so I can't really see that from anywhere that it makes sense to put the bed.

It is an enormous room really, just poorly planned.  The people across the street actually took half the area where we put the bed and but a wall creating an extra closet (for him) leaving only a little bump out on the side for two chairs.. it does look nice, but once again, I don't want to hear every time hubby flushes the toilet from my bed.  I guess I could have bigger problems though.

The lower photo is how I am thinking about changing it... putting the desk armoire in my bedroom and the couch in front of the TV... but we do like to watch tv in bed, so there's that dilemma.

This is a very messy sketch, but in it is my biggest strength.  I have a great grasp of scale. I can look at a piece of furniture and know it is going to fit in a room... i don't even need a measuring tape.  I just know.  I can draw a room to scale without graph paper, and still get it right.  I have a similar skill for color.... I can look at a sofa, go to the store and bring back coordinating fabric without a swatch.  I still gladly do floorplans for friends with decorating dilemma's and help pick fabric, but my own bedroom has me stymied.

Yes, I did do interior design work in a former life... when we lived in New Orleans, and also the year following that when I was just outside of NY, waiting for my husband to change jobs because I kept getting sick in New Orleans.

I gave that up to do murals,  (I still do on occasion, about one a year) but also slowly gave that up when I started homeschooling.  I began writing about decorating for websites which did very well for a while,  I even had a homeschooling column or two, but citizen journalism died hard... and now I have come full circle, trying to find my artistic fit.   I could go back to decorating, but I don't really feel called to it... it just comes naturally.  I am ready for the art gallery in my heart.

Brainless doodles

sketch a day- day 5

It's Sunday, and I really have no deep thoughts. So here is my day 5 sketch of the day.  I tried to portray a couple of celebrities, and then a random person from a magazine.  Portraits are really not my thing! Can you name the two celebrities?  

Good luck! 

Fighting the urge to delete these.  Not my best work. 

Perfectly imperfect

sketch a day-day 4

I looked at some of my work from 25 years ago today... It was in the garage.  I am going to toss it, after taking a few pictures because it is all charcoal and has become muddy over the years.  Still, there are some good things about it. I will take some photos before trashing it.

One thing I noticed is that there is a slight slant to everything I draw.  I think it is because I don't sit still and I don't hold my head still... I move around and kind of lean to one side, so there is also a slight lean in my work.  You can see it in this candlestick drawing from my mantle.  Also the middle candle is out of perspective because I drew it first and then when I moved my persecutive, I did not change it.

But... nothing in life is perfect, and interestingly enough, my most slanted, imperfect pieces have been purchased (long ago, when I drew regularly).... so there is clearly beauty in not getting it quite right.

Perfection is a dangerous thing anyway, isn't it.  It can hold us back from showing our work... I almost didn't post this.  It can keep us from moving to the next step professionally. It can keep us from doing anything at all because we feel like it might not be our best.

When children, (and in my experience, especially boys) I have learned that perfectionism often gets in the way. When my son was in public school, before homeschooling, he would take his completed homework out of his bag and leave it on the table because he would rather not turn it in at all, than to have it not quite right. This fear of being imperfect still follows him in college, and I have to push him to do things like publish the darn website already, or to just do your best at that moment and hand it in!

So, I have some question for you... What are you holding back as you seek perfection? What have you let go and allowed to be imperfect?  What lesson have you learned from these actions?

Sketching and the Devil in the White House

Sketch a day, day 1

I am trying to force my creativity by doing a sketch a day.  I am using some free video lessons by http://www.jerrysartarama.com/art-lessons/free-art-instruction-videos.html to inspire me.  I used a lesson today on using shapes to draw buildings... this is the house across the street from me.  You could say I am homeschooling myself in art... kind of as a refresher. This sketch took all of 10 minutes.  I am sure I will revisit it later and add ink.

As I was drawing, the news was on. I got distracted from my task when I heard the phrase "the devil in the White House". They were interviewing an elderly early voter who was saying he was voting a straight Republican  ticket because he dislikes the devil in the white house. I had a personal heart response to his comment. It hurt my feelings. I've heard presidents called a lot of things by fellow Americans but never the devil. I couldn't help but wonder what in him made him view Obama as the devil, and what about Obama made him do so.  Do I have some of the same qualities?  Am I a devil too?  I should hope not.... I am sure he though what he was saying was cute. It wasn't cute to me.

And then well-meaning people try to defend it.  I. Just. Can't.

But it did feel good to do a sketch...

One of the lessons I viewed suggested I hold the pencil differently, so I am drawing with my arm and not my hand.  I'm not sure if it was effective or not. It worked well for scaling out the house, but when it was time for detail, I could not help but flip the pencil back around.

Speaking of art, have I ever mentioned that my daughter is minoring in art in college? She wants to up it to a double major, but that is crazy. Her art major (for which she is scholarshipped) already takes up 99% of her time.  That kind of time commitment would be educational suicide. She's real good though. Everything she has created in her 3D class so far this semester has blown me away. You can still see the theatrical influence in her art, so it is a nice compliment.

False starts and misdirections after homeschooling

It has been 1 year and 5 months since I finished homeschooling my kids.  My youngest is well into her Sophomore year at college, and my son is well past the halfway point.  They are doing great!

And then there's me. I have a lot of ideas about what I was going to do after homeschooling.  Homeschooling gave me so much focus... so much direction, and was so passion-filled... now I'm feel like I am grasping at straws.

I thought I was going to work with homeschooling families after homeschooling, but found out real quick, that the people who need me the most can't pay me, and I am not in a place to volunteer that kind of time.

I thought that I was going to get a Real Estate License and sell houses, but after going through the course, I found out there were a lot of things about that industry that I - just - don't - like.  So that's not going to happen.

I thought I was going to go on a bit of an adventure with my husband, but we are not sure that is still going to happen...  (the marriage is fine by the way... it's more job related.)

So here I am asking myself what I do want?  What do I want to do?  How do I want to fill my time? With or without my husband... with or without our kids... with or without any sort of leadership.

And the answer keeps coming back... follow your gifts.

But my gifts are so varied, I reply.. and so many people are pulling me in so many directions towards different aspects of what I am capable.

And the answer keeps coming back... follow YOUR gifts.

hmmmmm.

Stay tuned.

Fundraisers at my door, and not a cent to spare

The door bell rang yesterday, and the dogs went wild as usual.  Fortunately, I still had their leashes on them from a recent walk, so I was able to grab it and control them and they acted like they wanted to eat whomever was at the door. (They are Minature Schauzers, so aren't dangerous, just bossy.) Anyway, there is a young man at my door.  He had a chipped front tooth, and he was holding a pretty big coupon book.

He was talking pretty fast and slick.  All I could make out was "help me out, Help me out, something-something-coupons".  I replied, I've purchased those before and I never use them, so no thank you.".  That wasn't good enough for him.  He insisted, "Help me out, help me out.... don't you want to help me go to college".  I stifled a laugh and said, "how old are you?... twelve?. "  Because he looked... well.... twelve, and he replied, "no, i'm 16".  "Ok... that's cool, but I'm still not buying, " was my reply.  "But it comes with the Sunday paper and more coupons.  You need the Sunday paper", he insisted.   I replied again, "no, whenever I order the paper, it goes from the driveway to the garbage bin, no-thank you", I said firmly, and began to close the door.  "You don't want to help me out?", he said incredulously.  "Not today, I replied."  "But you NEED coupons he said, help me out", he demanded. "No, I do not, I replied.  There are very few coupons that are for anything healthy.  I am not interested", I said firmly, closing the door further.  He got agitated, and went back to his first schtick, flipping through the coupon book saying "help me out, help me out"... I said, "you are getting too pushy.  NO."  was my final answer.  He was still doing his plea as I gently closed the door and walked away.   This whole conversation happened as I was wrestling with my dogs' leash... they clearly did not like this little dude.   I checked outside when he was gone to make sure my tires weren't flat... He had THAT kind of vibe.

I used to entertain young people at my door, buy whatever they were selling, but the last few times, I got ripped off.  I purchased items that never came, or the person claimed to be a neighbor and were not, or the item I received was just crap.  I am going to put a no solicitation sign on my door from now on.  I wonder if I can find an attractive one.  Plus, I have enough relatives and family friends selling things that I still get my fill of magazine subscriptions and wrapping paper.  Know what I mean?

But it doesn't end there.  This past week, there were no less than 7 requests for donations in my email box.  Most were for organizations I had given to before.  Others were for organization that I want to support.  But I am not rich.  I cannot give to them all!  It broke my heart to get an email letter for Georgia Shakespeare this week that they were closing their doors, but If I had given them ALL my spare money last month when they sent out their final plea, it would have not been enough the fill the void they needed, and so where would my little donation have gone.  This is truly exhausting, and I am bewildered as to what has broken somewhere between corporate giving and crowd sourcing.  Clearly, large organizations have found better tax loopholes then charitable giving, because so many groups that used to depend on these charitable organizations are dying.  At the same time, crowdsourcing is doing wonderful things for small organizations that don't need a lot of money, but it still only goes so far.  When they need that next round for bigger and better funding, it still seems to fall short.

So right now I am looking at what I have to give, and the organizations that have asked for money this week, and asking myself, who needs it the most. Who is most deserving?  I have to tell you that the answer is my two college age children.

Is anyone else in this dilemma?

Transitioning to NYC- I can clearly handle the rent

I am starting to see the gentrification of NYC in action. I can clearly handle the rent. The numbers meet and/or exceed the requirements to live in any such building... even the best of buildings.  But, there is that one line on every application that says what your credit score has to be to be accepted.  Brooklyn or Harlem 600.  Upper East side, Lower East side, Hell's Kitchen, Chinatown 650-700. Upper West side or SOHO or Chelsea 750. (this is approximate, but you get the idea).  If you want to live in the nicer areas you must have a pristine credit report.

But there was/is this great recession. Who's credit report survived that unscathed?!!!  I know for us, there were a few years that were pretty hit or miss... one paycheck away from homelessness kinda stuff.  The credit report is not perfect. ...And we are doing BETTER than most people we know.  So that means that in order to get into the nicer areas of NYC, even if you can clearly afford the rent, you had to come through the recession completely unscathed... meaning staying employed was not an issue.... meaning you were rich when it started, and probably richer now.  And this is how NYC has become gentrified.  Seems kinda planned. If you are not filthy stinking rich, you don't have the credit report to get into the nicer areas, and so all of the riff-raff like me are sent off to Brooklyn and Harlem (which aren't bad areas at all... but still.)

That means that all of the rich New Yorkers get to have the city to themselves for the most part.  The people who wait tables for them and work in the retail establishments have to live on the periphery at the best, and pay a lot extra to just get to work to work for the ritzy set. And forget those up and coming people hoping to rub shoulders...  If you still work for a living, get ye to Harlem or Brooklyn or to the east side of the park.  We can't hang.

Now there are certainly work-arounds, but even those are for the very well off.  You can pay a company to insure your rent for an extra month's rent. You can pay 2 or 3 months security deposit, plus the broker, etc.  You can go ahead and pay a year's rent in advance. I am actually willing to take one of these approaches, but I can't get a broker to return my call.  They ask your name, and tell you they will call you back, and they don't. Curious. I bet the Google you.

Can I get some mustard with that sandwich?

I am realizing that my decisions not only impact my kids, but also my in-laws and my parents.  We can no longer make plans for ourselves and and our kids and go on along about our business... there are people who raised us who are not as independent as we would like.  That is a tough pill to swallow.

So if the fact that we still have 18&20 year olds who are in college and not completely out of the nest is keeping us tied to home, and not allowing us to live full time in NYC, we are even more beholden to come home for hubby's parents... to check on them, spend time with them, and make sure they are OK.  

The good part of this is that living part time in NYC will allow me to do the same for my dad.  

Ideally, I'd like to have the inlaws live with us here, and dad live with us there, but first, hubby and I could use some privacy.  Second, both sets are wayyy too independent for that to work... and so lies the dilemma. 

We have a lot to think about.  I have no answers and no anecdotes! 

Why am I still homeschool blogging?

My youngest is a college sophomore.  I am really, truly, done homeschooling, so why I am still homeschool blogging.  Well, it is not for the reason some former homeschoolers are still doing it.  I have noticed some veteran homeschoolers still blogging about all things political, things that they think could impede on homeschooling in the future.  I also see veteran homeschoolers blog about all things conservative.  Neither of these are my concern.  I am still homeschool blogging to let people know that there is someone out there they can relate to who did it and so they can too.

No.  I don't think I can relate to every single new homeschooler out there.  The types of bloggers mentioned above will surely appeal to a great deal of them.  But for me, there was on, single, solitary writer, who captured my heart and gave me the confidence it took carry on and get it done. Had I not read her book.  Had I not gone to a conference where she was speaking, I may very well thrown in the towel.  ... and there are other people ... odd balls like me, who need to see people like themselves doing it to know it is going to be OK.

And with that said, I know I am failing my public.  At one time, vlogging, video blogs, were a huge part of my communication with new homeschoolers.  I kind of let that go because... of online racism.... disagree with me, but don't call me a "black-monkey", know what I mean?  So I stopped putting my face online... but by backing off, those idiots kinda won, didn't they, so I will try harder to keep video blogging, thanks to the many new homeschoolers who have contacted me asking for more, and I will keep homeschool blogging too... because I did it, and so can you.

I don't GET designer purses, and I don't GET boxed curriculum either

In shifting my mindset for living (even if only part time) in NYC, I have inventoried my belongings and am considering what I am bringing with me and what I am leaving here.  I looked at my purses, and then I threw some away... maybe I should just get a money clip and skip the purses, I thought, but perhaps, just for special occasions, maybe my old Coach purses will do.

Burberry bags $500-$3000 +

So I took them out, and polished them, and ordered new hang tags, and wrapped them lovingly.  But then I asked, what is the big deal with designer purses? Sure hubby purchased them for me as a gift because women he worked with insisted his wife should have these purses... and I used them for a couple of years, and then put them in the closet, because they cost too much to throw away even though I was tired of them, and because they were still in excellent condition.

I started researching designer purses, and if my old Coach bags still even qualify as such.  I found that they are lower cost designer, and vintage at that (since I've had them over 10 years), so ... cool.  But while these purses probably cost a couple hundred dollars each, other purses that classify as designer start at 400 and go up to thousands of dollars.

Crazy changes. I can barely believe it myself.

So.  Hubby got a job promotion which requires him being in NYC most of the time.  Wow.

At first, the thought seemed just CRAZY.... but now I am quite excited.  It's not like I am selling my house and actually moving or anything, we will be able to get a small place in Manhattan or Queens and still be OK.

I'm in such an excited tizzy, that I can't express it on the page!

So with that said, I need to get my home organizing project finished cuz I need to start apartment shopping, and deciding what 1/4 of my furniture and items I am going to ship off to NY, and what I will just buy.  This is not exactly what I had in mind when I said we would be downsizing, but I'm gonna be reading a couple of books on the idea... maybe that will help me in time get rid of some things in the house when we eventually do get rid of it for a retirement home.

Children are happily deposited at college

The kids are at their respective colleges and I am in the process of reclaiming and reorganizing our home.  As this is the youngest one's 2nd year at college, I feel comfortable infringing into their space a little, where necessary, and working to make the house work best for my husband and myself.

For example, my son pretty much has the entire basement to himself, and I will be reclaiming the exercise room as a storage room to get rid of clutter all over the house.  I am also thinking of claiming an area for sewing, and of course what exercise equipment I don't give away, will go in the large space outside his bedroom. I will also be putting some of my daughters items in said storage room to make her room more presentable and buying a bigger bed for her room for the occasional guest when she is not here.  (Not really planning any guests... ever, but it is nice to know I have an extra clean bedroom if the need arises.)

In the meanwhile, I posted about the set up of the kids dorm rooms on my website. You can find them here. and here.


I will be posting soon about the re-organized areas of our home.

Steals, deals, and splurges and packing insanity for my college kids

Barely two more weeks with the kiddos, then back to college.

By this time two weeks from now I will be driving home from dropping off child number 2 to college.  I thought it would be easier to have 2 kids in the same city for drop off and pick up purposes, but it really isn't working out that way.  He goes back on Friday, and she on Sunday, and we have to do two round trip drives due to volume of items, lack of rental truck availability and schedules that don't mesh.  Oh well.  That's how it goes.

All my back to school shopping is done.  I really should have given them money and let them buy their own notebooks, and textbooks, and clothing, but they are still rank amateurs when it comes to finding bargains.  They try, bless their hearts, but they don't have the patience or fortitude to to stretch a dime in the way I do.  They also don't know when it is better to just pay full price for item, and

Looking back: My kids' perspective

I posed the following question to each of my kids:

Now that you are done homeschooling what do you think of it?

My son, age 20 said, "I love that I was homeschooled, but if I knew then what I know now, I may have requested private school for high school".  He felt that he would have had an easier transition time into college if he was forced to have a more stringent time in high school, both socially and academically.  He added however, "at the time, you couldn't have gotten me to go to any formal school though, so I don't know how that would have worked".  I will add here that elementary school was traumatic and he still hadn't gotten over it by the time he started 9th grade.

My daughter, age 18 said, "I am glad that I was homeschooled, but it is not for everyone.  I believe it was best for me though and what I needed".  She added, "I feel like every homeschooler should have some kind of community though, like a high school program (co-op, hybrid program, arts program) that they stick with the entire time so they have pretty much the same friend group year in and year out.  Otherwise the only friends I would have had would have been my mother, my mother, my mother, my brother, and my mother."  She has a lot of homeschooling friends and feels the ones that are happier were a part of a bigger group.  I will add that she is the child that the schools wanted on Ritalin and we instead chose to homeschool her. She had never had ADHD medication, and has been allowed to mature into and cope with her hyperactivity (she was never had the other symptoms) rather than be drugged out of it.

From my point of view, I would have made a few tweaks here and there knowing now what I know then, but at the end of the day, I am proud and glad we homeschooled, and wouldn't trade the relationship with my kids for anything!

Updates and Shenanigans

Not to toot my own horn, but at this very moment, my daughter who will be 18 in less than a week thinks my husband and I are the best parents ever.  Apparently, after speaking to all of her college friends, homeschooled or not, she wouldn't trade her parents for anyone else's.  That makes me kind of giddy.  She likes to tell people that she had two rules growing up... 1. Don't Lie, and 2. Don't be stupid.  I guess she's right... I didn't write it down or anything, but those were two things I could not tolerate, and all other rules fall under those two.  I never had to tell them to be nice, because they just were... so I guess I could also say that I have the best kids ever. 

My daughter and I decided to do a 10 day semi-fast.  Fruits and veggies all day and then a reasonable dinner.  That lasted 2 days.  Hubby made the mistake of calling us chickens when we started whining.  We were in the car later cursing him out pretty much for no reason... he wasn't even there, we were just taking out our hungry frustration on him in his absence... we then decided it wasn't worth it.

I am costuming for a very interesting play right now.  Next week is the designers run through, so we can make sure the costumes and choreography will work together, and then address any problems and altering, and make changes as needed based on what we see during the show.  What was I thinking?  The actual play is in about 2 weeks.  

During our homeschooling years, I managed to work from home and make a decent income.  I mainly wrote for 4 sites.  Only two of those websites are still active, as content writing bit the bullet a couple years ago as people search for videos more than written article these days. This week, the main site, announced it is closing and is turning over the rights to all of our articles back over to the writers.  This is very generous, because we wrote based on the fact that some of our income would be in upfront payments, and the rest would be in monthly commission checks.  I was making 300 a month easy before I even got out of bed, and around the holidays I could make as much as $1000 because I wrote a lot of seasonal stuff.  In the last year, I have only received $100 a month in commissions and have pretty much stopped writing for them.  On the downside, I need to download, categorize, and find a new home for 1800 articles (I'll probably discard about 300) before I lose access to my articles at the end of august.  I've done 50 since I found out yesterday.

I'm supposed to be getting my real-estate license. After taking the online course plus 2 day crash course, I don't feel prepared to take the final exam or Real Estate License test.  I'm going to have to pay to extend my class for 6 months, and learn the info on my own.  The online class was pretty useless, and the 2 day crash course was kind of a joke.  I have a new empathy for the online classes I had my kids take.  In person classes, or just reading books and taking tests is actually better. 

A tribute to Maya Angelou

When she spoke I listened
As if she were speaking directly to me.
She chose her words carefully
And set and example for all to see.
She told us why the caged bird sings
She lost her voice through childhood trauma
But found it again through poetry
Then she rose above poverty with dance and drama
She was as comfortable with a pen as she was on the stage
Acting with James Earl Jones, Gossett, and Cicely Tyson
Wrote for and worked with Malcolm X and King
She lived and loved in Paris, Cairo, and Ghana

And she was just getting started

At the height of her career she produced movies
She wrote scores and songs for Roberta Flack
She won Tony Awards
She won honorary degrees, and then she gave back.
By the time I came on the scene at the age of 13
she had accomplished all of these things
And I as a child looked at her life and her works
And breathed a sigh of relief as her words gave me wings
I saw so many similarities in my past and hers
Downtrodden, beaten, marginalized
I began to see the world through a new set of eyes
Her books gave me solace,
Her words gave me strength
I could see a future for myself beyond arms length.
And she continued to write,
And she continued to speak
She continued to sing
She continued to preach.

And I continued to learn.

She said, "If you only have one smile in you,
Give to the people you love"

"Nothing will work unless you do"

"Nothing can dim the light which shines from within"

"The truth is, no one of us can be free until everybody is free"

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.  Don't complain"

"My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept love in return.

She was a woman phenomenally..  and she will be missed.

I'm going gray... and I'm OK with it

What floors me is that two people this weekend have outright told me that it was time to dye my hair. One who is supposed to love me unconditionally, and the other is his mother. My brother also pointed out that I am going gray... he seemed surprised.  I guess it is coming on fast.

I think the reason I am going gray so quickly, is that I recently had quite a bit of hair fall out due to stress, and probably medication, and now it is growing back, but it is no longer dark brown... It is white.  It is around the circumference of my head, and in the center, where I lost the most hair...  and the grays are not confined to my head.

So what's the big deal.  I will be 46 years old in less than 2 months.  With the average onset of graying in black persons being age 44, I'd say I was pretty much on schedule.  ... and I kind of like it. I am appalled that I have been asked to dye my hair... it makes me really really mad.  Am I out of line for thinking that request to be rude, unthinkable, and uncalled for?  Am I out of line for inferring folks can kiss my butt?   Especially when those people are grayer than I?

Besides, I do other things to beat back age a little.  I pluck my chin at least once a week, I exercise 3 or more times a week, I use face cream, and lotion my body dutifully.  Gray hair to me is a symbol of wisdom, that I made it this far... that I am perhaps a little wiser than the average bear.  Is it not?

But the idea of dyeing just might win me over, but not in the way people think.  I will never cover the grays on my head to hide the fact that I'm not a kid anymore, but I may strategically dye my hair to emphasize a nice gray streak coming in on my left temple.  That could be fun.

I've been hovering.

I talked about how homeschooling is all done and I'm ready to move forward, but am I really, really, ready to move forward?  I honestly and truly want to help them navigate their way through college.

When I was in college, I wasn't exactly first generation in my family, but I was the first person to not go to the college down the road. I was the first person to strike out on my own, and the first person to live with roommates, and the first person to not get financial aid, and so I had to also work my way through college.

I amassed a lot of information during that time, and I made a lot of mistakes and miss steps.  I would love to be able to help my kids with this and to help them ask the right questions, so they can navigate better, and even then ask the right questions for their own kids in the future.

Hovering looks different where my two kids are concerned.

Let's start with the oldest.  He's all business.  He's serious.  He's hard

Things that make me really mad...

People who don't give themselves enough time to get where they are going, so they speed and harass people like me who drive speed limit.

Guys who sag their pants... especially to the degree where their entire behinds are above their belt line.  I'm not talking about 2, 3, 4, or even 6 inches below the natural waist.  I'm talking 12-18 inches.  STOP IT.

People who exxagerate the truth for political or social gain.  People who believe these exaggerations.

People who re-victimize victims.

It's been quite a week.  Taking my darling girl on vacation to see some NY shows.  Will miss hubby, but fun's got to be had.